Brewnitarian Mythology

In the beginning,

the universe was a cold, dark void.

There was…nothing.

A vacuum of space devoid of anything.

Since no one was around, we’re just guessing of course.  I mean, everything has a beginning or a start, therefore, before everything began, there must have been nothing, right?  Otherwise, it wouldn’t really be the beginning if there was something already there.

If there is one thing we ARE certain about, however, it’s that nature (and my dog) abhors a vacuum.

And so, one day, out of the nothing, there appeared…something.  Spontaneously, of course.  (You know, because ‘nothing’ can’t really do…well…anything).

So, on that day, SOMETHING spontaneously appeared.

Now, clearly, if SOMETHING was going to just appear out of nothing it would need the energy required to overcome the immense inertia of being nothing. It would need a jolt to get the ball rolling in the morning so to speak.  Given there was nothing in the nothing to supply said jolt, the something must have had it’s own “built-in” jolt. Therefore, it is quite obvious, the SOMETHING that appeared spontaneously MUST have been...a giant coffee bean. A giant, robust, full-bodied, life-giving divine coffee bean.  There can be no other explanation.

After a bit of time floating around in the nothingness, ideas began percolating in the mind of the Divine Coffee Bean. Ideas of how to release all this pent up verve and untapped productivity. DCB, with a wave of their oddly anthropomorphic hand, created the ground upon which they could hit running. They created planets upon which to grow coffee shrubbery, stars to bathe those shrubbery in nurturing light and pollinators to propagate them. Finally, the Divine Coffee Bean rested.

It wasn’t long, however, before DCB felt lonely.

There already were worlds covered with coffee shrubbery. More of the same just wouldn’t do: something new needed to be created.  Something – or someone - fun. And so, with a thunderous clap, a celestial vine began growing from which the father of all beer was born: the Citrus Brewski himself, Hops.

For eons, DCB and Hops had a good thing going.  The Divine Coffee Bean ruled the day making things happen while Hops unwound at night.  But something was missing.  There was no sense of purpose: A “why” if you will. DCB and Hops came together to (b)ruminate over the “why” of their existence. That process bore a seed that grew and blossomed into…a Tea Bush. THE Tea Bush.

These are the gifts we honor and celebrate in Brewnitarianism. Ale-lujah.